If I don’t have you when I need you, then I don’t want to have you at all.
– Maria Sfichiu
“… As I have mentioned, I got the invitation now three hours ago and I am quite surprised. But despite of all of these I have to tell you that it would be an honor for me to have you there. I’m sorry if this sounds inappropriate but it is really important to take part in such an organization as a successful business woman and future lawyer . I would really appreciate your presence there and again I’m apologize for writing at this hour, but please, don’t misunderstand my intention.”
Mrs. Sebastian started to have a particular fellow feeling for me. He really wanted to “invest” in my life experience having as a guide my willingness. But even with this thoughtful synthesis I couldn’t just let myself in a rich strange married man’s path. I do recognize that he’s a reservoir of wisdom, exactly what I need to increase my professional status, but this is something that I can also have or progress on it. I have also my resources. Here comes my encouraging tactics.
8 am. I am standing in front of the same huge building; collecting the latest drops of courage while and trying to call my business partner.
“Mrs. Sebastian, it’s me. I’m waiting outside. I hope I didn’t come too late…”
“Too early, miss Marlene! Come up for a coffee. Forth floor, room 43.”
Deep breath! The same fake smiles on his stuffs until I met his. He was, indeed, drinking a coffee and reading the newspaper which weekly dedicates him a page. Quite easily smiling again he quickly stood up and came to hold my hand.
“I hope you’re here for…!”
“Yes! Mrs. Sebastian, it’s an honor for me too. You’re associated with a lot of young business people and you chose me. I’m really happy…”
He tried to explain himself in a very subtle manner. I’m totally convinced that the limits do exist and he does also.
So, we’re on our way to British Virgin Islands for three days with the purpose of taking part to a summit concerning the WBDC (Worldwide Business Development Corporation).
I had no idea that there were all my childhood friends. I didn’t know what Daniel was celebrating but that moment brought me back to that life with no responsibilities. We were even acting like high school students . I could barely recognize some of them.
“Marlene, how could you forget our 10 years party after graduating high school? I thought that last month when I called you, you actually said you’ll be here.”
“I definitely can’t find my words to apologize, Daniel… I come from a business dinner and I was totally lost. But thanks to you I’m here.” I tried actually to avoid his look; difficult to do it when you’re too in common to posses a stable control as my work thought me during these uncolored years of focusing only on a professional status.
“The same busy woman as I used to know… But, it feels like I’m still the only one that gets you out of that world.” He ended it up with a strong smile.
“Let’s just be honest!” I said returning the same act. “Only these kind of moments could bring me back in this house.”
I turned around and went to Ginger. Couldn’t see his reaction nor I actually wanted to. Daniel used to be a perfect man that every woman desire, until fame and humanist pleasures caught him like forever. And I also used to love him. As I clearly remember. After changing some new life opinions with Ginger I left in the garden, quite alone keeping my shoes in my hand. Next second I was laying down reading a message from Mrs. Sebastian.
“…and again I’m sorry for writing at this hour, but please, don’t misunderstand my intention.”
I have never been in situation more weird than this one. We were standing in a large bright living room. My father and his wife were keeping a talk with Mrs. Crawford. While Mr. Crawford, apparently, seemed to be a little bit stirred.
At that table everything was comfortable. I had two couples around me talking about their marriages. Mr. Sebastian is an expert in non-verbal behavior and I easily saw that some topics weren’t on his ‘liking’. Easy to see it through a simple smile.
“So, Ms. Marlene, are you still thinking to study the law? We american… We are difficult.” Said while sipping from his glass of wine. “Then I should be an expert. First of all I’m a woman, and secondly… A simple one.” I didn’t know that he also attended this field. My father suggested him to introduce me in this ‘world’. I nodded, but the real feeling is that I really didn’t want anyone to know about that. But my father… “You do have potential. Ah, what I’m saying, you’re my associated.” I didn’t know if I should take this one as a compliment or not. But for sure I felt an inversion of his reference.
We ended up on his terrace. Talking about his vineyards from Alexander Valley and Rio Grande do Sul. Last one being the place where he met Lisa, his wife. And his very good in telling detailed stories.
I was driving home on the Kennedy Expy. It was a rainy night and my thoughts were gone with the last event, the dinner. I have only good friends with great situations. I need to get a life too.
“Um, hello, yes! It’s Marlene, who’s calling me at this hour?” And I went to my ex house.
I have approached an interesting topic that aimed to the supply and demand of our products in Brazil. I was quite happy, first of all because it seemed like my business partner was clearly understanding me and my preferences above all. Secondly, I was contouring another phase in my professional career.
Marlene Madison Company gets bigger in its actions and this just grows my heart. Fulfilled with positive energy I signed two papers and shaked hands with Mrs. Sebastian.
“Marlene, I was wondering if it’s possible that this night you and your family could come to my house for dinner…” Said with a declined voice.
Things are getting familiar, and my rule number “I don’t remember which one” is that there should be nothing more than business. On the other hand his motion is simply a good one to get to know the person I’ll be facing with.
“It would be a pleasure, but, I only know about myself what I’ll be doing. I let my father know about it and then I’ll call you.”
He nodded a smiley yes.
I was waiting in that corner for 15 minutes then. She said she was quite busy; she’s always late. But when you’re an executive secretary you got no reasons to be late. I choosed her because she’s very accurate. And I like that. “You may not believe me but they just lifted my car. God!” She was almost yelling at me as if there’s a hint of my blame. “Kate… Let me guess: you parked it on Silvary’s corner?”She obviously nodded.
We both were actually very stressed. Mrs. Crawford invited us in his company to change “papers and impressions”, he said… I simply needed to know my future business partner. Kate had heard of him once when she tried to find a job. She’s on the same opinion as me. The wisdom made him a very known personality in Chicago. There’s a special page in Hyde Park Herald for him every week.
And he’s newly married.
A simply and decent lady showed us the way to his office. Floor 47. While Kate was still apologizing for making me the driver this time, I smoothly made her shut up because Mrs. Crawford was waiting in front of the elevator. We were late and this thing made me feel really ashamed.”Ahh, I just wanted to get to the ground floor, asking personally for a correspondence. I thought you changed your mind meantime.” What a nice man! Looking for excuses in my place. “No, I would had called you if there were any problems.”Kate looked down with the eyes of an hungry dog.”Well, there’s no problem. You definitely have your strong reasons. This way, please!”
It was Kevin. Of course, firstly he apologized and then with a slow voice started: “There are some urgent papers to sign so I can export our company actions”. I laughed ironically.
That’s it. I’m linked to what I have created and the only way of relaxing myself is also supposed to be in the inside of my work.
I left my silent place immediately. My strong and serious way of thinking is back. No more weakness, no more places to escape or refuge. There’s my place.
In the following day, Mrs. Sebastian Crawford seemed to be a gentle one. He introduced himself as nice and subtle as possible. And he did made me feel flattered. He was supposed to be my next associate in exporting products to Canada, and, by wondering, to Brazil.
His way of being very proud of my work and products, because it’s all about a brand of cosmetics, caught my attention and made me stay on my office desk, listening to him, as a rude lady, I mean, still a miss.
In business are no good friendships. In business people are like robots, follow the target without feelings. In business should only exist “mechanical” relationships. And it seems like this Mrs. Sebastian doesn’t know that. Or he does and just thinks I don’t.
After three years of working in company I decided to get a life. I was too into the professional one; I looked in the mirror and I saw a totally different person. I may not say less beautiful but for sure not what I ever thought I would be. The same hair color for five years now, the same make-up I used to wear in college now at conferences. I just realized I become bored of myself.
Kevin told to get a vacation at my little lake house in Milwaukee but I kept refusing that. And I got many reasons to do it.
So there watch me, laying in a hammock and staring at a beautiful sunset. Alone. I needed three years and an amazing evening looking at the sky to realize that life isn’t all about having good and strong professional and social status. These are just small targets to get to know your limits. But why would you want to get there if not having anyone close to you? My grandmother always told me that it’s all about inner peace first. As a main fundament.
Yes, she was so right!
Now there watch me again, being a successful woman at the age of only 27, beautiful, wise, bright, acute, prudent and maybe delicate. All that I ever wanted to be, back to the life I’ve kept it back just to follow my targets. Having everything and nothing. I gave up on love more than I ever expected. That sunset passed away like taking all my chances. In that moment I felt a huge solitude that made me wish to be back in the office. And then, as a sweet remedy, a voice spelled my name in the front of the house.
If I’ll ever ignore you it would be because I’ll be going to make a surprise. If I’ll ever be quiet it would be because I like to talk through my eyes. If I’ll ever forget to bring you the breakfast it would be because I’ll have something else. If I’ll ever be tired it would be because we played good enough. If I’ll ever be late it would be because I stopped to buy candles for the dinner. If I’ll ever make you wait for me it would be because it’s difficult to maintain my beauty. If I’ll ever won’t say “I love you”, it would be because my lips are already kissing yours. If I’ll ever cry in your arms, it will only be because of love and happiness.
It will only be because I Love You!
Such a cold morning. So this is love. You don’t want to feel it fearing of new weaknesses. But weaknesses are not bad, they put limits between your inner strength and attitude of sharing yourself. We can’t live without weaknesses.
This road is already common to him. Wandering his gaze from the left to the right side of the ceiling and putting on sneeze for the 13rd time his mobile phone alarm. It’s 4 am in the morning.
He never thought that his naive mind would ever give up on something he really couldn’t resist.
The path is becoming shorter than usual. He can count the trees he leaves behind walking scared and hasty. And he’s there already. It’s dark. His mobile phone brightness is too dazzling. It’s still 4 am in the morning.
Now he hopes she’ll come too. How naive; how lost in love. He was lying to her and now he needs her attention. How he needs her attention… “I was lying to you baby, when I said my love is cold.” It feels like this 4 am time is draing all his vanity. He’s conscious that love is something powerful, that could change minds and control bodies. And his love is she.
The moon is trying to hide over something dark blue. Stars fading, cold wind blowing his brown hair. It’s an entire pressure. He needs her. He’s sorry, but confident in his love for not going anywhere. “I need your attention”. So strange the feeling of not using the love when you feel it. Used to deny everything because of a full pride heart. He clearly remembers that last night when he let her go away.
“How beautiful and kind, but I don’t need her perfection”. The only hard spoken regret.
The wet grass is causing him a cold feeling. Still around 4 am. Must be a craziness to call her. “She’s too wise to think of someone like me now, I didn’t pay attention to her presence”. Seems like himself is the best force that could keep him up in thinking and hoping. Such a cold morning. So this is love. You don’t want to feel it fearing of new weaknesses. But weaknesses are not bad, they put limits between your inner strength and attitude of sharing yourself. We can’t live without weaknesses.
She’s his weakness, he needs her attention. He needs her affection. She’s someone that he could hope. This nature ceiling is inspiring him, it’s giving him an unbearably condition of calmness.
“Can I say something, please? I know is too late, in time and destiny, probably, but… I need…”
“I need your attention. There’s never too late. How I need your attention…”
Photo Source: ModernHepburn